This is a piece I wrote a couple of years ago. A few people have already read this. I'm putting this here for its entertainment value. This is a true story that happened when I was holidaying in Manila. Mega is SM Megamall in the Ortigas CBD. Podium is an upscale mall across the road from Megamall.
Number 2 at mega
i possess what i call a very unpredictable stomach. There are times when i can be constipated for days and not produce a single turd which would leave me feeling bloated and there are times when i would just drink a thimble full of fresh milk and get instantaneous diarrhea which would leave what i'd call abstract art on the backside of my underwear. I guess i have my ancestors to thank for the wonderful stomach genes they have passed to me. I am assuming that they were never around cows and had little access to milk which would also explain why they were all vertically challenged.
Now in most malls these days, you'd find pay toilets where you'd have a person ensuring that the toilet is well-stocked with toilet paper, soap and paper towels. These cost about P10 which in my book is extremely reasonable especially if you have to do number 2. i can imagine the number of embarassing moments that these toilets have helped avoid.
During my last holiday, i found myself gorging on ice cream and all sorts of dairy delights at ortigas. I first started at podium where you can find sebastian's which for me is the best ice cream in manila and trust me, i have had ice cream, frozen yogurt and gelato from everywhere! After wolfing down a double scoop of chocoholics anonymous on a cone, i made my way to megamall which is a quick 5-minute walk away.
In megamall, i had more ice cream, a fruit shake, a brownie, an espresso, and then some more ice cream while waiting for my photos to be printed at fuji. If you are wondering whether i am fat, well wonder no more. i am fat. And so, after an hour of gluttony which is a deadly sin, my stomach prodded me to go to the bathroom. I initially brushed it aside thinking that i can still hold it in like a man. I was soon proved wrong when what i thought was merely some flatulence proceeded to produce a thin stream of liquid from my rear body cavity. I rushed off to watson's to buy some much needed toilet paper as i knew from the previous day's exploration of megamall that there are no pay toilets inside.
At watson's i bought a wad of toilet paper as well as some moistened wipes as i thought these would help me feeling fresher after i have done the dirty deed. At the line, my stomach rumbled badly. My luck had me stand behind an idiot who had to get a product that couldn't be scanned so the checkout lady had to do a price check and ask someone to look for the product in the aisles. When your colon is about to blow, 10 seconds can seem like an eternity. Finally, it was my turn. I hurriedly paid for my personal hygiene products, rushed off to a nearby toilet which i knew would be clean.
Opening the door the the stall, i found that previous occupants of the toilet had urinated all over the seat, the floor and everywhere else. I wanted to find a cleaner one but i felt that if i did, i would end up defecating on myself. I quickly wiped it down with the normal toilet paper. I then proceeded to try and open the pack of moistened wipes but found that the plastic packaging it came in was tougher than it looked. A tear came from my eye as the effort to keep the contents of my colon in was proving to be a herculean effort and i wondered if some designer with a twisted imagination intended for a situation such as this where a guy in situation such as the one i found myself in cannot open a pack of wipes to wipe down a dirty toilet. I even imagined that the designer for the packaging for this pack must have been commissioned previously by nasa to make products that endure the rigours of space travel!
Finally, i flipped the damn thing around and to my sheer joy, found a little sticker with a perforated section that said “open here.” i hurriedly dug my nails through and fished out a little bundle of moistened joy! After giving the toilet seat a quick wipe, i quickly unbuttoned my trousers and sat down on the porcelain throne. No sooner as i sat than all hell broke loose from my bottom. I expelled so much methane that i hoped that the toilet was a no smoking toilet fitted with smoke alarms. Do you know the feeling of joy you get when a girl says yes to you? The feeling that you get when you pass an exam which you thought you failed? Well, this beats that! From the chaos some moments ago, i am now able to once again collect my thoughts and for a moment, even imagine that all is right once again in the world.
As i stood up and fastened my trousers, i felt hatred for these public toilets and how dirty they are. I just felt that they can be maintened better and should be! And if they can't, why not put in a pay toilet? After all, it can and would be another revenue stream for the mall operator. I hated how it was so darn hard to open the pack of moistened wipes! How can they make packaging that is so hard to open? Weren't these wipes first designed to wipe messy moments? Oh well, life goes on. Maybe i'll just skip washing my hands to make someone else's life miserable.
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